The Times When You Can’t Use “We Weren’t Good Enough Friends Yet” as an excuse to not say anything -by B. Pahks
1. if their fly is down
2. if their breath smells
3. if they’re on fire
4. if that dress really does make them look fat
5. if they need just five more dollars to make the ransom
6. if they list you as their emergency contact because they don’t talk to anyone else
7. if the news interviews you about their tragic death in a public shooting
8. if their boyfriend is a complete douche bag to the dog
10. if they think they’re really good at singing
11. if they drive like a drunken maniac while intoxicated
12. if they try to drive while intoxicated
13. if you think their children may or may not be the spawn of satan after shitting on your versace flip flop.
14. if you think they’re going to get herpes by dancin’ all up on dat hoe at da club
15. if they think leg warmers are just wool containers for their dildo
16. if there is a murderer right behind them
17. if they are peeing in your grandmother’s urn
18. if they have made a touch down pass… with your teacup chihuahua Princess Puddles
19. if they drank the last beer… without paying for any of it
20. if they tell you ‘Mean Girls’ is an “alright film”
21. if they think Freddy Mercury was a Sailor Scout
22. if they are being attacked by orcs.
23. if their t-shirt is on inside out
24. if they are bleeding from the head
25. if they think Inception is the pill you take after unprotected sex
26. if they grab your boob, for much too long
27. if they need to scratch your back stat
28. if they ask you to touch their feet
29. if they have a goopy boog’ hangin’ from their nose
30. if they are the father of your baby.
